The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
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She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You made out with two different species that night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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