i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
