apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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