come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
