Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
