Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
