Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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