I accidentally had phone sex last night
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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