if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
