just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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