Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
