I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
