Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
