I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
