If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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