I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
