it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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