Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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