I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
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Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
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Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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