He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
