at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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