Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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