Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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