i jhust puked up my retainher.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
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