I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
