my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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