the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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