I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
