Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
