You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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