Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
