And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
