and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
this is an emotional support booty call
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
