this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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