I will die if light touches me.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
