I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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