I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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