I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
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Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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