i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
