highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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