he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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