I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
