So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
worst night to have a conscience
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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