well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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