my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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