So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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