No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
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I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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