how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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