Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
