Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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