I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
