It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
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Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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