im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
