I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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