Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
